It is a dark winter, indeed, Joe Biden…such a pansy.
I know this is just an unpleasant time in general, for everyone, and Julia says Saturn is in Aquarius…or Jupiter, whatever, some shit like that, that means we’re all going to feel awful. I just keep wanting to find an escape, but I can’t think of anything meaningful to do. I hate these depressive spells…I’m going to try to go for a walk in the snow. I used to love shit like that. I love shit like that.
…oh also I listened to that Raymond Scott album dedicated to the astronauts that also has “Sometimes I’m Happy” on it that I bought at Jerry’s and it’s fantastic, of course. So glad I splurged even though I kind of have no money now.
…ok I’m back and listening to “Sometimes I’m Happy” again. Wow…
I’m so glad I went outside.
I finally found a semi-quiet spot surrounded by these beautiful, snow-capped trees, and I was just thinking, what makes me better than these? So I found a slumped over one and brushed the snow off of it. I was going to just rudely squash it with my fat ass, but then I hesitated. I asked if I could sit there, and it politely held my weight. So I sat there admiring the scene. It was truly magnificent; so much snow…and the sounds echo in that canyon-like spot of Frick Park, so I could hear all the children and parents, laughing and screaming, enjoying themselves and making fun of the situation. There I sat. I had been crying my way through the paths just in awe of the quiet beauty…wishing for more quiet to properly take in the beauty. I love children, but they have no respect for the trees. They just want to have their way with them, and have fun, which is fine. I wanted to take in the moment.
…and I started feeling sorry for the trees. We always think of them as these happy little trees, as Bob Ross wanted us to think. Maybe they’re not so happy. I feel like the world is begging and begging for us to just STOP but we won’t fucking relent because we’re too selfish and bored, but what makes us better than these truly splendiferous trees?
I started to empathize with them because of my consistent episodes of sleep paralysis…and then I was horrified at the thought that they might be experiencing something similar. I broke down in tears and decided I had better leave because there were people all around, but I got lost for a little bit in the woods…my feet were frozen and I felt that the trees were staring at me with horror.
I eventually found my way to a cobble-stoned street and could hear my boots walking on it again, but I started to fear that my toes were numb so I kept tapping on the street, to keep them awake. “Hold on, little toes, we’re almost home,” I told them. The noise of Penn Avenue slowly crept in. People continuing their business regardless of the weather. It’s Christmas, we have to keep moving. We have to keep going. Fuck this pandemic.
So I finally made it home and tore the boots off, and ran up into the bathroom to thaw my feet in the tub. It was painful and I started to cry again. I was grateful for the pain. Life is painful. Fuck being numb. It had been so long since I’d had a bit of discomfort like that…potentially being out in the snow too long, legs frozen solid. It felt good. I’m so grateful I went outside, and decided to sit with the trees. I hope they are happy. I put my head against one of the limbs and could feel its energy. I thanked the trees and told them I love them. I truly hope they are happy. Maybe I will visit again soon.